I had no idea I’d get a rose this big when my little garden began alongside my limping heart on Mother’s Day 2018. It just took about four years to bloom this big, but less than that for me to lift my head and love the life I had.
My encouragement to you is STAY.
Stay in your life. Stay in your days. Stay in your walk with God. It may not turn out the way you wanted it to initially, but in the staying, there will be good, radiance, comfort, stunning gifts and blessings from God.
And you will be blown away by it.
Limping Wings, Trying
I see you with your limping wings, trying to smell the roses, catching yourself on thorns instead.lift your head and breathe. you’re in the garden aren’t you? all in and halfway there!go on, try again. there’s no rushing this kind of life. you fell hard somewhere good.
Like her I was tired. Time bent me slowly. But it was lack of joy, of the story I wasn’t living that cracked me open, hollow.
I’d lived a life before her, or at least the one they gave me, but she moved in, care-free. And I thought,
Now, maybe.
baby swing hanging from tree, framed by roses
And I don’t blame her for the years that passed. Her shoulders bent like mine, curled around her aching heart. I knew that pain too well!
So, I resolved to wait, learned to love the wind right through me, learned to house the life that chose me. And soon I saw,
She did too.
And it was marvelous!
The garden crept in closer, and hope felt like spring, but life fell like leaves. And though the breeze was lovely, and I smiled as she scattered seeds, I longed for the garden story.
Instead, I felt the pain, knife sharp, lightening in my skin. Is this the end for me? Where they decide I am done. . .they don’t need this tree.
The wind I loved felt bitter. The life in me cracked open. . .I creaked and groaned and wondered,
Can gardeners hear trees?
But pain lifted its fingers and in its wake, her laughter. And the wind rushed through like life. And I realized the garden had reached me!
And I danced alongside flowers, and whistled, “It’s nice to meet you!” And every now and then, I see her gazing up at me, happy, all admiration. And all her joy is mine.
We are here!
Both in the garden.
But the thing I love the most is swaying to the rhythm I finally hold in my arms. Not made by breeze or wind, but by a woman who became a mother pushing her child in the swing hanging down
the only light I will ever know is the way your hand held mine.
thank you for such hope and cheer.
thank you for planting me.
thank you for the celebration in the midst of all our waiting. . .
it didn’t turn out the way we wanted,
but I really loved my life.
-the seed
I make way for light, the underground of hope.
when it’s a flower, it’s also me. . .
the wellspring of a story,
writing a beautiful thing
without seeing the light of day.
well, that’s the impossible, magical thing
of being the unseen.
-the roots, deep
I won’t be here long,
but I love how long you wait for me.
with eager hope and eyes to see.
we both have wintered well.
let’s enjoy the view.
I am the blush of spring,
and so you are to me.
-the rose bloom
it was safe to be like dirt in a garden yet to grow.
and it was hope to bloom like a wanted thing
from a broken pot of dreams.
and after the burial, the burst of the flower,
who knew this was me. –the gardener
and so the gardener, the roots and rose,
the tree and the seed waited and welled with joy.
life had already been, and it was really good.
but so much more was coming.
first spring, soon after, her.
all garden arms wide open for
the tiniest bundle of sunshine. . .
here comes the gardener’s daughter.
As for the gardener’s daughter? Well, I’ll let her tell her own story as she lives it. I am excited to get to know her as a person! She’s just shy of a month earth-side so we have a million things to catch up on as she grows into herself.
Make no mistake, this postpartum season hasn’t been without tears or overwhelm. It’s been a ride with highs and lows. I took this picture in the garden last week and also took a home video right there with our cat curled up on my lap, my son toddling around, and my newborn daughter resting against me. I know I’ll treasure this 60 second video forever. This particular moment(s) in the garden was much needed and so sweet for me as a mother.
I’m learning so much right now and feeling the discomfort that comes with breaking out of an old shell, working through postpartum healing and hormones, and growing deeper into my life as a mother. I am excited for what’s to come. Postpartum is far from over. But I’m here for it. Here for my life. Here for my motherhood. I am 100% here.
cold hands held the seeds. I among them. it did not feel like celebration. . . maybe once, but these were clammy dreams, lines in her hands going nowhere, just holding me, holding seeds, hoping.
but isn’t it a wonder that fragile beginnings empty of vision never determine the vibrant awakening of a garden.
and she would know it soon.
-S.V.F.
photo of our garden entrance days before we brought our firstborn home to sunflowers and zinnias. what began in a grocery cart during the pain of infertility turned to this.❤
our firtborn a couple weeks old amidst the sunflowers
our firstborn a year old playing in the garden that he loves
I wonder what kind of garden we will bring our spring baby girl home to in a few days or so?❤I’ll be sure to let you know.
Sierra V. Fedorko 