infertility

When Seasons Are Forever

It’s a powerful gift when someone just lets your PAIN BE WHAT IT IS.

Not explaining it away, or saying, “Well, God must be doing this or that, or this other thing.”

My sister-in-law inspired the poem, Age, because she just sat with me in my pain, didn’t rush me out of it, called it out for the “forever” season it was, and genuinely hated infertility without trying to arm wrestle it into something good.

Infertility wasn’t good. It wasn’t a gift. God made beauty within it and despite it. I was filled with life, hope, and joy + received healing I was desperate for. . . but infertility itself remains a broken thing that is traumatic, sorrowful, and hard.

What a gift to learn I could love God with all of me, fully trust Him and live in hope from Him without ever trying to make infertility the good thing.

I could hate the pain without bitterness, grieve the loss extensively, and still completely love God.

I could experience His kindness without contorting His kindness into the brokenness of infertility.

Anything good I experienced during infertility is because God changed it. He made the childless story different. He gave the barren woman LIFE. He didn’t let infertility stay the story.

And that was all before my son’s miraculous life.

infertility

Why I Wrote Hope Gives a Eulogy

Infertility is a sudden and subtle jolt of pain and grief. It took a lot for me to actually be really honest with myself and God about the state of myself and my belief in His goodness + kindness. God felt mean to me. I said the things I meant without filtering the reality of my pain and my perceptions of God. I learned to trust God with my vulnerability, who I really was without “spiritual speak.”

I lashed out toward God. God stayed. And so did I.

But I had a lot to process.

The poetry in Hope Gives a Eulogy takes you through the cyclical emotions of questioning, grieving & healing.

Writing Hope Gives a Eulogy has been a way for me to honor + remember the story I’ve lived alongside God. The poetry in this book expresses my love toward Him while also meeting women in the wintry seasons of their soul.

While God did give us a son, I need you to know the story in Hope Gives a Eulogy is not about my son. It’s not about getting pregnant or pregnancy being the source of healing. Pregnancy wasn’t THE answer. It certainly wasn’t the only impossible gift. The YEARS I grieved were somehow filled with hope and healing. Because of God. And THAT’S the story I’m telling.

The poetry in Hope Gives a Eulogy covers the death-like, hollow, scraping emotions of infertility. . .and the healing I experienced in my womanhood because of God. . .the hope of life seen in flowers, finally seen in me.

The powerful thing about Hope Gives a Eulogy is anyone who has ever experienced pain can relate. They can point to their own personal place of turmoil, depression, sorrow, grief, or heartache and say I GET IT.

Yes, infertility is a very specific kind of pain (as is all pain), and not pain is one size fits all (although all of us can feel very similarly in our unique experiences), but that’s why these poems are powerful. . . .

They speak of pain you know from places you’ve been even if it never was infertility.

Hope Gives a Eulogy is brimming with beauty, healing, hope, and resilience in the dark, awful stories that first break us, but in Christ, never destroy us. Of course, Hope Gives a Eulogy will be deeply special to those who have or are experiencing infertility, but I also think people who have never known infertility will feel surprised in such a comforting way at how closely they relate to the poetry in Hope Gives a Eulogy.

May this story told through poems, meet you where you are, see you as you are, join you wherever you.

God heals.