Garden Lullaby · infertility

Why I’m Still Writing about Infertility

“This is no thaw. This is spring. What are we to do? Your winter has been destroyed, I tell you! This is Aslan’s doing.”

I have never read the entire Chronicles of Narnia series, but this year, I put them all on my reading list. I read one or two chapters a day. When I read this quote in The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe by the White Witch’s dwarf, of all characters(!), I loved it. It’s a beautiful, triumphant quote all on its own, but it felt so profound to the story I have lived and will surely live again.

Soon we will return to our Garden Lullaby series where I go back in time and share how God used the garden to help me see His love and the life He wanted for me though my womb was empty and my pain was deep. And somewhere along the way I could say in my soul, though not all was right in my world, “This is no thaw. This is spring!” God had healing for me inside and out. I still grieved. I still struggled. But I could breathe. And laugh. I woke up to life. And began to live. I may be taking this C.S. Lewis quote out of context, but it certainly applies!

Not all was well, but I was becoming well. Winter was being destroyed. Month after month. Year after year. When “NO!” screamed in my ears and the bathroom floor felt like home. It didn’t feel like winter was being destroyed, but God was doing it until suddenly there it was,

This is no thaw. This is spring!”

You may wonder why I am still writing about infertility when I have a son, a daughter due in a few months, and have already written about the healing in a whole book of 97 poems. So here’s at least one reason.

The miracles of God don’t get old. They don’t go away. I’m still living it!

“Come and see what God has done: He is awesome in His deeds toward the children of man.” -Psalm 66:5

Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell you what He has done for my soul.” -Psalm 66:16

Reminders of the spring miracle God did within me keep showing up. And will forever. In my two children, in my garden, in books I read, in poetry I’m inspired to write, in my history with God that touches my present and my future. God’s works are wonderful and they are profound.

I’m not done seeing.

And I’ll keep on sharing all I’ve seen God do.

In those years, I never thought to myself those exact words, “This is no thaw. This is spring!,” but I certainly lived it. Winter couldn’t last forever. Not even when infertility did. Spring filled my soul when nothing filled my womb. And spring greeted my children when they came around and that same spring was beautifully multiplied by their presence.

Miracles everywhere.

What light I have known and life I have lived before, during, after.

This is no thaw!

Garden Lullaby

It Wasn’t All Flowers

it wasn’t all flowers,
but also it was.

snapdragons, geraniums,
zinnias and roses.
wild things on my table,
and on the windowsill.

and it was me,
like a seed,
cracked open and broken,
under darkness with water
cold over by bones
and it was light
I could not see,
all the warmth
I could not feel.
if not a mother, no idea
who I could be.

rain fell with promise.
storms raged in anguish.
there was noise, but it
was silence for me.
I grew, then died,
grew again, then bloomed
and it wasn’t
just one thing
I became.

the garden outgrew my soul,
and I towered with life
like a lighthouse at ocean
nothing around but hope.

and I was life in a hundred ways. . .
out at sea, in the garden, underground,
in the questions, holding flowers,
pouring sorrow, always seen
always loved by my God.

it was armfuls of spring
repeatedly in winter.
so it wasn’t all flowers,
but it was.-S.V.F. #sierravfpoetry

-S.V.F.

Garden Lullaby series launches tomorrow! Looking forward to sharing how God used the garden to help me heal through infertility. Done in “real time” as I’m sharing past personal reflections!

infertility

Hope Gives a Eulogy is ON SALE!!

Yes, it’s true! Originally $15, Hope Gives a Eulogy is only $10.19 for the holiday season! If you have PRIME, that’s $10.19 flat and if you don’t, just add it to your holiday shopping cart, because Hope Gives a Eulogy qualifies for FREE shipping on orders over $25! With Black Friday sales coming up, you’ll probably find yourself on Amazon more than once and I’m so glad I can offer Hope Gives a Eulogy for $10 and mere cents!


The holidays can be intense and painful for those experiencing infertility and this is such a comforting and powerful read about the reality of spring after (and sometimes during!) a wintry soul season.

Whether this book is for you or a friend, I know there will be poems you relate to especially during the holiday season which is always a mixture of joy and sorrow.

Here’s a 5-star review for Hope Gives a Eulogy given by someone who has felt the pain of infertility personally.❤👇

“I will be returning to these poems again and again on this infertility journey. Sierra has a unique talent for capturing complex emotions in small word counts. As someone who is also longing for “spring” – even if I never have my own baby – these poems gave me hope that I can climb out of this hole and find joy. Grateful for this collection!”

I LOVE what she says here because that means Hope Gives a Eulogy has portrayed spring accurately. It doesn’t always mean a baby, but it does mean LIFE!❤


ORDER for yourself or a friend!

Poetry · The Celebrating Soul

September Two Years Ago & The Goodness of God

On September 10,2019, I began a new prayer journal.

I’ve been keeping prayer journals consistently since I was about 16 years old. I have a box for my old prayer journals and year calenders. If there were to be a fire that burned our house down which is a very real possibility every year in norther California, that box is one of the only things I really care about taking with me.

I love going back through my prayer journals and seeing how God was present with me in all my emotions and fears, how He has answered requests, the things He has taught me, etc. Those journals hold so much proof that my faith in Christ is not in vain.

I realized last night that I only had 3 pages left in my current prayer journal and I would be finishing it September 2021, a little over two years since I began. Admittedly since getting pregnant (and also early postpartum and other times!!), I’ve had long stretches where I haven’t written down a prayer at all. But I love that we began in September and will end in September two years later.

So, I began this prayer journal while still walking through infertility. At this point, I was much on the healing end, but still grieving deeply. I was opening my eyes to life and asking God to open my eyes to the life He was giving while also bringing to Him my deep sorrow and struggle with the passage of time. Words I used were loneliness, starkness, disappointment, exhaustion, persistent heartache. So while I was healing in deep and immense ways, I wasn’t “past it.”

On November 19,2019, I saw two lines on a pregnancy test for the first time and then it rained that night and how I loved that. There’s not a lot of white space left on that journal entry. Fast forward quite a bit to July 2021 and I found out I’m pregnant again.

So, what I love most about this prayer journal is that it began with infertilty and holds not one but two pregnancies within its pages. I didn’t expect that, but those are the kinds of things God can do.

Sometimes, I like to go back and read past prayers. So last night, on September 23,2021 I flipped the pages and found September 23,2019. I was in a totally different season of life two years ago, but I was still learning and experiencing God’s good gifts. I was working through the goodness of God and wrote, “While I know that You (God) don’t like to see me in pain. . .it is good that You (God) have not given me children.” That’s a complex thought. But in that season of quiet and grief, I healed and became sure of God’s goodness. I began to know God more deeply. I noticed the “obscure” gifts from God’s hand. I got more excited about heaven. I found freedom and hope in God to live the life I had.

Two years later, I’m praying for two children and still experiencing God’s goodness. I’m still learning to trust God, really trust Him. His goodness has stretched far and wide through every season of the journey and it is I who is learning to live fully in whatever those good gifts are and trust Him with the present and the future. This prayer jouranl is lined pages with the reality of God meeting me wherever I was, however I was.

It doesn’t get much better than that.

In a roundabout way that bring us to the poetry series for this October!

I wrote a story in 20 poems that reflects my journey beginning in the dust and ash of infertility into healing, saying yes to my life, being given beautiful, unexpected gifts along the way, and then learning not to be afraid of those good gifts from God. I will carry the history of infertility and grief inside me forever. It is a part of my frame, but it is not my story. But these days, I’m learning to take long, slow walks in the garden I’ve been given without the fear of death and the dying of all good things.

I am beginning to understand good gifts from God will always be good gifts form Him even if the pain and brokeness of this world touches those good things. Once received, always received. I can trust God in the bad times and in the good times.

While I wrote these poems from a place of personal experience, they do not mention specific things like infertility or my subsequent pregnancies. It is a story I hope you can step into with your own personal experiences. And I think you will. I really do.

So, next Tuesday, September 28th, I’ll reveal the title, the first poem, and where you’ll be able to access the rest! It will be completely free, and available in a couple different formats. I’m excited!

I think we share this story. Maybe in different ways, but at the heart of it, this is us.