Summer found me excited for my son’s first birthay, refreshing the ole podcast, and dusting off my email list which has been off it’s game since late 2019! I sent two whole emails this summer with the intent to send more and then. . .
I found out I was pregnant again.
As for the podcast, I was finding my way and then had trouble recording a poem and giving the backstory so I pushed that episode to the backburner in frustration. A handful of weeks later, BOOM.
So here I am. The podcast has been a ghost town and, uh, emails are going unwritten and unsent. And that’s just the stage of life I’m in. I picked up the podcast and email again because it was a good time to do so, which then changed much faster than I anticipated. Abrupt and wonderful! God always surprises us. I’m learning many things these days, but I’ll lay out a couple for you.
I’m clumsily discovering my creative limitations.
I am in a season that keeps changing. Pregnant. Postpartum. Balance again. Pregnant. I’m not good at these fast changes. I spent 3+ years in what often felt like slow motion. Quiet. Rhythymic. Healing. Purposeful. Very, very slow. And not always the “lovely” slow. The painful kind. Where time keeps moving, but you feel you don’t. Friends keep getting pregnant. But you don’t. Having no “end” in sight. You get it.
But now, I’m in this rush of movement and it really is beautiful. And I’m not lying when I say it can also be so magical. Of course, tiring. Of course, imperfect. Blah. Blah. Blah. But motherhood is so good. While I’m here in this fast-paced, body changing, life changing, going through 3-6 month clothes, then 6-9, then 12-18, they heyay, that’s TWO lines again(!!), my ability to create content and craft poetry dwindles. It doens’t dissappear, certainly. But it does change. And I’m learning what those changes are and how to be intentional with whatever those changes are. My drive and hard work remains in tact, but my hands can do less right now. I’m okay with that! Just figuring out what “that” means.
I’m scared and learning to trust God with all that’s good and beautiful in my life.
Which is a lot right now. When I stumbled through infertility, I learned to grieve with God and to trust Him with my pain.Now the feelings are so similar, but I’m learning to trust God with all these happy, good gifts.
Admittedly, I’ve spent far too much time fearing the “Great Fall Apart.” It’s no way to live and it’s also not right. God has given these good gifts to me and they will always be good gifts from God to me no matter the pain or brokeness of the world that may (will) touch these good things. What am I going to do? Shrivel up like a raisin and play dead while God shows me His great love in the good times just as He did in the bad times?! Yikes. I’m learning to trust God with my whole life. And the thing is my whole life keeps changing, so I have to keep surrendering. I’m in the process of living out what it means to rest in God during the good times. And it’s a learning curve. Just like it was in the bad times.
Funny how that works.
God is so kind, though. Some favorite Scripture of mine is Psalm 103:13-14, As a father shows compassion to His children, so does the Lord shows compassion to those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; he remembers we are dust.
I’m sure there was a much more poetic way to write a second pregnancy announcement post, but this is where I’m at! I mean, I know I could get some flowery language to convey the miracle of our second child and that will come in time, but this is me currently. Also, S I C K. In the first trimester+, I wear the pregnancy glow like Casper the Friendly Ghost.
Oh and one more thing. . .with October comes a very special poetry series. I know, I know. I just had this whole spiel on creative limitations and yady-yady-ya, but this is one thing I’ve had space for and am mindful of adjusting expectations and boundaries as I need to. I’ll post more details by Friday morning!!
So there ya go. That’s life these days. It’s a wild ride. I could be trendy and say, “And I’m here for it.” But ya know, sometimes I need a minute(!!!).
DON’T WE ALL!
But God is here with us even when being “here for it” seems overwhelming and/or scary.
Thank you, God. We rest in You!