infertility · Poetry

California Redbuds (HGaE, 2nd poem)

The love poems in Hope Gives a Eulogy are some of my favorite. Because a love story faced with infertility is daunting. But that love story is also stunning in its resolve, commitment, and depth.

This particular moment in “California Redbuds” was one of the hardest in my life. It was like being in a tunnel of pain with no way out. It felt claustrophobic and numb and sharp. Infertility feels like being crushed repeatedly by reality.

After Ben handed me those redbuds, my heart soon collapsed on a friend’s couch (another poem in HGaE) and I just expressed my pain aloud. From the moment of redbuds to my friend’s couch (about 5-6 hours in time) I could breathe outside the tunnel again. And that April night was an incredible turning point for me.

Infertility is long, but healing is long too.

I hope the poems in Hope Gives a Eulogy see you wherever you are in your story today.

infertility

I Still Fell Apart

California Redbuds is inspired from the day my younger sister told me she was pregnant. . .

She has been one of the kindest + thoughtful women I’ve known to deliver and live out such good news, but I still fell apart.πŸ’” In so many ways, my husband had to pick up the pieces. Or at least help me start the process.

Some of my favorite poems in Hope Gives a Eulogy are the love poems.

There are so many love stories told through songs and stories, but there aren’t enough telling the beautiful love stories happening in the midst of heartbreak in marriage. I say love stories because there are so many Ben and I have lived together since we got married.

There needs to be more poems about how rich a family is with no children.

More poems giving beautiful wings to our altered timelines and this abrupt grief lasting years.

More poems about the moments of intense suffering that turn to a resolve and resilience as we create something lovely, vibrant, and strong. . .together as a family, in love, choosing life.

I hope the love poems in HGaE give childless couples the songs they’ve never had and words to the story they’re living but have never read.