I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Last year, God broke the ground of my heart. And it was broken hard. Cracked wide open, because that was the only way I was going to receive God the way He desired me. God wanted all of my delight. Every last bit. Nothing in part. Nothing halfway. So the ground of my heart was broken.

You guys have read about it. Over and over and over again. My heart was thirsty. And weary. And dry. When God broke my heart open, it wasn’t to bring me heartache. It was to give me His desire for me…. joy and hope and wholeness. I could only find my heart desires in God Himself. And I did!

It’s April now, and a year removed from that first breaking of heart ground. I don’t always realize just how much God has changed me until I’m digging through the hard soil in our yard, preparing a patched-up home for new flowers. My hands feel gritty, but the earth feels good. I can’t help but think how different these two springs have been for me…and how much life  has grown back rich and filled with God.

The last week has been a bit of soul revival for me, because no matter how many battles are conquered and how many mountaintops I’ve danced on, I’m always making a mess of things and running back to abundant grace and mercy.

But I’m finally seeing life.

There is so much joy in God. I’m finally seeing that a kind God goes before me. I’m finally understanding that I don’t have to see what’s in front of me at all. I’m never going to get it; I just have to trust that God is doing something big and beautiful with me, despite me, and for His delight and glory. I’m finally understanding that His delight in my story is more than enough. It’s kind of a miracle to have this life while knowing God has a purpose for me.

I just get to abandon myself to Him in confidence. I just get to live life with Him and for Him and in Him. I don’t have to worry about anything or be filled with fear. I just get to live the day He’s asking me to live. I get to embrace life with open arms and a voice shouting out with praise! Because at the end of the day, God will fulfill His purpose for me. Nothing can stop that from happening. And I’m so glad!

God has given me the desires of my heart, because He has given me Himself. God’s purpose for me will be nothing less than glory for Himself and ultimate good for me. Could I ask for a greater story? a better life? Definitely not. Life with God is life itself. I’m finally seeing that.

So my dirty hands are digging through the soil and I’m smiling. Working with flowers is something I have wanted to do for awhile, but I’ve been so distracted by that broken-up ground in my heart that I’ve pushed aside a lot of life just trying to grasp what God is doing in me. But with my hands digging up the earth, it’s obvious that He’s doing life in me.

Last spring, I’d have been too sad to do much at all. This spring, I’m out in the fresh air with little bits of hope and joy and healing springing up in my heart and burrowing deep in my soul. There’s nothing better I could be doing than digging up the earth to make a patched-up home for my new flowers. This is life with God. And there’s nothing better.

I am a desert girl. I don’t know how to take care of flowers. I don’t even know the name of the delicate ones sitting beside me, so I smile and think, “I don’t know what I’m doing, but I’m doing a new thing.”

And than there’s this echoing thought…almost as though I can hear God say,

I know what I’m doing. I’m doing a new thing.

And I’m convinced that God works a hundred miracles in a single life.

I’m living proof.