We were driving home, and there it was. The entire promise from God lit up the November sky. I breathed in deep. I breathed in whole from the broken places. I kept on staring at that November sky. How could I not? It was God keeping His promise. It was God reminding me of Himself. It was my brittle heart existing in the richness of His nearness. It was me learning I didn’t have to hold my breath anymore. It was healing.
On a stormy March day filled with hail and thunder, I saw it again. God keeps His promises. The entire March sky was filled in with beautiful light. It was a full rainbow right before my eyes…again. I could not stop staring. God keeps His promises. Just look how beautiful!
And since the reawakening of my heart last year, I have clung to God far deeper, far more often. I have fallen helpless into His comfort and known victory in heart-wars. I have experienced days of defeat and nights of restlessness, but then God continues to rescue me, filling up all my heart with all of Him, reminding me gently and sometimes painfully that I cannot know life without Him. Ever.
In the last two weeks, I have lived interchangeably in defeat, victory, despondency, and joy. I had been fighting and struggling, winning and losing. And then one night, I found myself surrendering to God…again. I breathed in huge gulps of relief, because I finally stopped being afraid. I refused fear. I refused to run away from God’s purpose for me and His goodness to me whatever that meant now or in the future.
I resolutely laid down in the meadow and rested beside the still waters. I knew I was choosing nearness to God no matter what. And then a world of joy washed over me.
After this surrender, defeat and victory dotted and blotched the rest of my week. I will always battle fear. I will always want my best, my most, my world…but in the green meadow, I stopped questioning God. I stopped shaking my exhausted fists. I stopped curling up in all my fear. I stopped starving myself with the unknown. I simply laid down.
There is unspeakable joy when all you ask for is a heart knit ever closer to God. Suddenly you want whatever it takes for that to happen. And everything that’s confusing, painful, and sorrowful becomes a road leading you to God, instead of a reason for you to run away from Him.
It’s easy to live afraid, but it makes living so hard. Falling into the green meadow, choosing closeness to God over all else has become my battle cry. And this kind of battle cry always turns into the most beautiful victory song.
The slow reawakening of spring began in my life last March. I have had bouts of winter, stretches of drought…but still it has been the longest spring of my life. Because this is healing. This is life with God. This is abundance twice over, tenfold. How strange that I still resist the roads in life that have given me the richest life possible…nearness to God!
On that beautiful stormy Friday in March, the rainbow swept full and bright across the sky. I am stretched out in the green meadow while the promises of God rest overhead. It is always safe to lie here. I have chosen the way of Life, and I realize that I am made of more joy than my November spring.
I think that maybe healing doesn’t happen once or twice in a lifetime, rather it happens for the entire lifetime. I discover and rediscover all these shards of me and realize the wholeness I have in God alone. Barely beating hearts can live vibrantly, because this life doesn’t define us…God defines life. Loneliness, confusion, sorrow, and heartache can make living hard, but it cannot take life away.
Full rainbows in November and March are beautiful displays of who God is…a Promise-Keeper, a Life-Maker, a Soul-Restorer. What will life be like four months from now? I can hardly wait to see! I know it’s going to be better than ever, because I have chosen nearness to God above all else.
See my cup? It overflows.
I have tasted Life.
And there is no turning back.