With less than a week before my due date and everything as ready as can be for our third child, I’m left with time to soak up this season of my life and my family before it all changes.
I’m anticipating the change with my foot on the gas pedal. I can’t wait.
But also.
I don’t get this season back. I won’t have my baby girl always with me–her wild, adventurous self kicking, pushing, or doing perfect score vaults in my womb.
My son will outgrow his love of pirates and my 2-year-old daughter won’t always greet me with such happy exclamations of “MOMMY” in the morning.
I’m okay with all of this.
This is how it’s supposed to be.
My kids are meant to grow. I love watching their constant bloom into new seasons and new ages as they become who they’ve always been, who they are, and who they will become.
But in these seemingly long days before I deliver my third baby, I’m pressed into this vortex of seeing all the beautiful things that won’t ever be quite like this again.
All I can do is soak these beautiful things and store them in memory and turn all these blessings in my hand over and over again…and be thankful for every angle.
Like the Sunday I found out I was pregnant…
I sat in the garden with my then-3-year-old son as we ate popsicles together. It was a precious moment, having that tiny secret third life in my womb and sitting in the March grass with my oldest sharing a summery treat in winter’s end.
Like finding out we were having a baby girl when I so long thought I was expecting a boy…
This ended up being such a fun surprise. I spent a few days just happily soaking it in. Of course, I would have been thrilled with a boy, but I think just the jolt of discovering I’d be a mom to girls was so unexpected, and I unexpectedly loved the thought of it.
Like all the conversations with Ben squeezed in the middle of ordinary days about how excited we are for our third bay while simultaneously being honest about the nerves of it all…
Sharing the joy of a third child with the love of your life is a love story all its own and is never captured in the great novels. But there we sat on the porch or in the living room with our other two kids playing and us chatting about all that was to come.
Still this has not been as easy pregnancy by any means.
From intense family grief, to terrible morning sickness that lasted well into the third trimester and ER visits for bleeding and IV fluids, I’ve hung by a thread for so much of this year.
Even before I found out I was pregnant with this baby, I had started the fresh months of 2024 bucking against my life and as I stumbled my way back into it all, that’s when I found myself in the chaos of intense grief and difficult pregnancy.
These throes were so consuming that I’ve since returned to my daily rhythms and my whole life with a sense of calm, refreshment, and without that stale taste in my mouth.
Now, I’ll be honest…
I’m still praying for reignited passion in my walk with God.
But I am walking with Him.
And I know that in drawing near to God, He will draw near to me, and I will feel that closeness and richness again.
As you can see it’s been quite a year and none of it is quite over.
I turn 30 in January, Ben and I celebrate a decade of marriage in May, this year marked 10 years in my daycare job, we are two kids deep with one on the way, and 2024 brought with it tidal waves of grief, intensity, unknowns, and weakness.
Yet as God has allowed everything to come to a head, He hasn’t once given those high waters even a fighting chance to pull me under for good.
Isn’t that something?
Everything that pulled and pushed me into a corner could have shattered me senseless, but instead it has become a mountain peak of refreshment and reestablishment. No more claustrophobia. No more pent-up frustration. No more madness in my spirit.
That’s life with God.
So as I treasure this vortex of beautiful things almost out of my grasp, I rest knowing God is with me in every season.
And though I am disheveled in my spiritual walk with Him, I know I am welcome.
And even when this season of motherhood escapes my grasp, God will fill my hands with beauty again and hold me in comfort for everything that isn’t good or right or well.
And to our little girl, our third-born, we love you more than words could ever express. I’ve been celebrating your life since I learned you were alive. You have been a bright spot in our family already. And I can sense your wild, exuberant spirit bursting at the seams. I love who you are.
We’re praying for you. We’re cheering for you. We can’t wait for you.
See you soon.
read more:
I’m Pregnant with Our Thanksgiving Baby! – pregnancy announcement post
A Poem of the Remarkable (this is one of my favorite poems I’ve written during this pregnancy)
Sierra V. Fedorko 
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