Healing Through Infertility

On Mother’s Day 2018, my husband and I rolled out of Grocery Outlet with a cart full of flowers. At this time in our marriage, we were a while into infertility and I had really struggled the previous April, but April also became the turning point toward true healing. We didn’t have grand plans to establish our Porch Garden in May on Mother’s Day, it just happened. Looking back now. . . I know that was a special gift from God.

As I experienced a taste of gardening along with taking care of our two goats (a story for another time), I began to wake up to the life around me. God used flowers and goats to show me I could still nurture life, still be a part of His work whether or not I became a mother.

Since May 2018, I’ve been keeping a garden journal of sorts on my Instagram, but have been inspired to put those words on my blog. I’m calling this personal collection of journals, Garden Lullaby, because before I was a mother, I needed to be sung a lullaby. Still do, really. According to Merriam-Webster’s dictionary, lullaby means “a soothing refrain specifically: a song to quiet children or lull them to sleep.”

Just like a child I literally needed to be quieted in my soul. I was in so much pain. The intensity of being numb was loud and long, but God used the garden as His lullaby to me. . .that all was well even when it wasn’t, that I was blessed though childless, that pain and joy could coexist, that I had life and I was free, that I could celebrate, too.

On December 1st as we get all bundled up and settled in for winter, Garden Lullaby, in all its spring glory will begin. Because sometimes, “the garden is half-priced daisies in a grocery cart.” –Hide and Seek, Hope Gives a Eulogy. And often, the best spring begins in winter.

-S.V.F.