a note to myself during the depths of my chronic pain. you can never look forward, but you can look back–and I think that’s something.
It seems hopeless now. Like nothing in the world will ever be right again. And I can tell you that it won’t be the same.
But you will jump again.
I know it is hard and the pain is overwhelming. I know you can hardly move and tonight you feel dead inside. The tears have dried on your face and you have nothing left to release. Just close your eyes and go to sleep. You will jump again.
You ask-–will it ever end? You wonder—how many more years? You know you can’t have the answers or the numbers. You just want the healing, but it’s not time yet. It’s not time. There is despair and there is anguish. And even if it seems small to everyone else, it is huge and real and pressing for you. But I can tell you, I can tell you this for sure—you will jump again. Just close your eyes and go to sleep.
Days bleed into nights and nights break into dawn. There are victories and there are defeats. You have pain and you have comfort. You fight hard and then you surrender. You fall down, then you rise up. You wander, and then you rest so heavily, so surely, so securely in the shadow of God’s wings. He is the one Unchangeable.
Young heart, weary soul—you will jump again. Close your eyes and fall asleep. There is still so much valley to tread. There are many more dark nights to endure. There is still joy and wonder in the hardest hours. There is so much more. You will jump again.
You don’t believe me now. I can see it in your eyes. Perhaps that is why you are still here. You are questioning, fighting, learning, enduring, resting. Because one day, those eyes will have that sparkle, that energy, that life–you will welcome it back–and all before you jump again.
Close your eyes and fall asleep. You can’t find your way in the dark and a life-long battle can’t be won in an hour. Rest in God. Remember how His comfort blankets your heart and wraps your soul in tight? This is a big battle, but He is bigger. Remember how God is bigger?
You will jump again.
Close your eyes and fall asleep. You won’t despise this valley. You’ll sit in its sunshine and marvel in the depths. You will look back and be in awe of God’s strength, His comfort, His power. And when you can see the mountain, you won’t even run to the top. This is the valley that will bring you closer to God. And you will cherish this.
I can tell you of a miracle—you will jump again. Not tonight, and not tomorrow. You can’t see into the future. But if you could, I would say—you will jump again.
So, live in the present…because it is living in all the presents that brings you to the future.
And you will jump again.