What I find most incredible about people is their depth. Raw. Real. Personal. Their hearts a mixture of tears and laughter, pain and hope. Secrets that only they know, regrets that only they feel, the fears that only they have. I am intrigued by the depth of people. I have often been overwhelmed because I could not unearth it all. I knew the depth of my own life and longed to know about others. I didn’t want to know, just to know. I wanted to know so I could help them, so I could truly care for them. I wonder about people. I think about their hearts, their souls. Their depth. I wonder about their depth because I know of my own.
“Crushed in my empty dream. Collapsed in my body weak. Believed in lies that I had seen. Lost in life so shadowed, bleak.”
I don’t even remember everything surrounding that poem, but I do know that I wrote from what I was starting to realize. That I was completely weak, that I had no power, no strength. I had nothing of my own.
“Fallen dreams to the floor. Little voices call out. Say give up, confirm all your doubts. You’ve done this before. You’ve fallen this way. So, you try to give up once more.”
Those voices were all the ones in my mind, because I would continually fall in fear. Fear is the weakness that continues to come back to me, and this repetitive way that I fell grated on me. My life truly fell between my weakness and His strength, and I had to choose my Lord. It is a continuous choice.
“She sits alone, her smiles played. She’s laughing empty, her voice afraid. To let another know her pain. ‘Be strong,’ she tells herself again.”
I wrote this during the loneliest time that I have ever experienced. I felt completely alone and though I had God by my side, there were still days and nights that I felt so completely lonely.
Then, there were times that I was so overwhelmed by people and their needs that I turned to writing just to release my thoughts to something.
“Surrounded by so many. Suffering so much. Captured by their hearts. Enslaved in their pain. Paraded by the power. Resting in their minds. They sink ever lower. In the waters of oppression. But, I am just a girl. Too weak to help you all. But, I have a Savior. A sovereign Helper, strong. Seek Him with your life. Leave me in the dust. He will bring you through. Your looming trials, dark.”
Then, there were the times that I was confused about life itself. Where was mine going? How was I going to get there? Is this really what life was going to be? So, I wrote my worries out.
“I can’t explain future’s glance. Faking strength intact. Lost in what could happen next. Losing all these moments now. Eyes are sailing, searching worlds. Where next? Why now? Who knows?”
But then, even through all this heart of mine, through all of my depth…through all of yours–our Savior stands. My Constant. Your Constant. Our Constant. I have to remember that He holds my depth in His hands. He has a place for me. He knows all of me. He knows all of you. He created my depth, He created yours. I don’t need to know the depth of your heart. I would not even be able to bear the burden, the weight of your complete heart and soul. And, though I have shared with you parts of me that illumine my depth, my heart is not fully exposed to you. However, I am certain, that my Creator knows all of me. Everything good. Everything bad. Everything black. Everything fear. Everything hope. Everything love. Everything. He knows everything, all of my depth, all of yours.
Suddenly, it is not only the depth of people that fascinates me, but that my Creator knows all of my depth…and all of yours.
Sierra V. Fedorko 